Voom
by TheHummingbirdMoth
Summary: Asgardians had achieved eternal life and interdimensional portals, why the hell didn't they have cars? Iron Man crossover.


Written for the kink meme. Does not actually contain any kink.

**Voom**

"Faster, tin stallion of Midgard! FASTER!"

"Get your hands off my FUCKING STEERING WHEEL!" Tony roared.

Thor had explained to him that on Asgard, they had achieved 'science so advanced it appears, to your mortal eyes, to be magic.'

Well, they sure as hell hadn't hit on the idea of fucking CARS, or, apparently, of any method of travel that went above speeds achievable by a horse, given the screams of excitement the god in the seat next to him gave every time they rounded a sharp bend in the road. Tony's mortal eyes had been privileged to witness Loki's helmet being blown off his head like a paper hat two minutes after he'd started Marmalade's engine.

Marmalade was his car. His very favourite car. He'd designed Marmalade himself, named her after his last cat, and had been preparing to test drive her when Loki had appeared in the seat next to him. Tony had told him to leave; he'd refused. Tony had told him to stop fiddling with the dashboard. He hadn't, so Tony had said that he would show him how Marmalade worked if he would just stop touching her.

It felt sort of cool to be able to impress a god, he thought, as Loki stood up in his seat, laughing as Tony put his foot down and the landscape BLURRED.

That was a good question, actually. Asgardians had achieved eternal life and interdimensional portals, why the hell didn't they have cars? Okay, cars were messy and made a lot of noise, so why hadn't they invented some cleaner, more environmentally-friendly alternative to the car? From what Thor had told him of Asgard, flying was one of those special talents that only he had, and he only had it by virtue of being the bearer of Mjolnir. And Asgard was supposed to be big, bigger than Manhattan. Did people just walk from one end to the other? Maybe they never needed to. Maybe everything single thing a person could want in ten million years, or however long they lived, was to be found within walking distance of every single person on Asgard.

Okay, so what if what they WANTED was to go really, really fast? Hell, even if there hadn't been any NEED to make cars, why hadn't they built them just for fun?

Mind you, Asgardians had weird ideas about what constituted 'fun.'

_"WHEEEE!"_

Tony snorted. He should have told him to sit down, but the way the wind distorted Loki's exuberant screech into a fluctuating howl was kind of cute.

For that matter, what the hell was with their weapons? Thor had a hammer, which, okay, it was enchanted, it could make earthquakes and thunder and it always flew back to his hand. That was pretty cool. But Fandral and Sif had swords, for crying out loud. He'd seen Volstagg using an AXE. Didn't they realise how inefficient those were as killing machines? Was long-range weaponry just not 'honourable' or something?

Hmm, that would explain why Loki was the only one who actually used their 'science that looks like magic' for practical purposes. Like shooting people's limbs off. Would also explain why Tony got along better with Loki than he did with Thor.

Mostly.

"Ride, ride with the fury of a thousand storms, Marmalade! STARK! Make your metallic steed go faster! Tell it that if it does not go faster it shall be whipped!"

Actually, that was also a good point. For a society so technologically advanced, they sure hadn't gotten much farther than humans on the whole 'ethics' and 'basic human dignities' side of things. Loki had casually mentioned a flogging he had once witnessed, authorised by Odin himself. Thor, who had pictured Odin as an all-wise, benevolent, grandfatherly figure, had felt his eyes pop out at that. And apparently Sif was one of a small minority of female warriors, which didn't really say much for Asgardian ideas of gender equality.

Christ, what in...

"Get back in here!" Tony yelled, as Loki climbed over the windshield. He didn't slow down, though. If the god of mischief wanted to fall off the bonnet of his car and get splattered on the road behind them, that was one less problem for the Avengers to deal with.

_"Attention, steed!"_ Loki's raucous voice reached his ears. Sitting on the windshield, booted feet probably scuffing the paint, goddamnit. _"The Son of Odin COMMANDS you to accelerate!"_

Hey, that was another thing. If they were so much more advanced, so much more enlightened than humans, why the hell were they still a monarchy?

"FASTER!"

On the other hand, imagine the sort of damage Loki could have done with democracy at his disposal. Or cars, for that matter.

"You must give me one of these," Loki told him, as he slipped back into the seat beside him. "You have a few to spare, don't you?"

"…I'll think about it."

On the one hand, giving Loki a car would be like giving rocket-powered skis to an alligator.

One the other hand, it would be funny as HELL to watch.


End file.
